I’m sitting in my car parked outside the Devereux Center, a place that serves those who are without shelter. I just dropped off 2 women (one is dying of cancer) at the Devereux Center, having given them a ride from the shelter where we had beds to sleep in last night. Then I made a 9am phone call, in my car, seeking to speak with the owner of funeral home with whom I want to do business.
I’m wearing layers of clothing, sweats, jeans, moisture-wicking undershirt, sweater, goose down parka – and my clothes are soaked in the sweat of my fever. Sweat pours from me as I write this.
The morning frost still fights to be felt as the conquering sun rises higher and warmer with each second. And thank goodness I don’t have the fever chills at the moment that can get so intense my muscles spasm and hinder my breathing. It seems my body has finally succumbed to the stress, the sugary sweets I’ve been indulging in, the lack of sleep, and overall poor diet at the moment. I’m eating to stay alive, not for health. And I am thankful….thankful for the way the Human body protects itself from death, restoring internal balance by throwing off the accumulated toxins, chemical and energetic, even though it gets very uncomfortable when it does. Healing is uncomfortable.
So my system is now wracked with fever, aches, congestion, and coughing after having gotten over walking pneumonia the past 3 weeks. And today being Thursday, I want to spend the weekend with Solomon and Salvador so I decided moments ago to further detox my entire Human system of not only the pathogens that plague my physiology but that which plagues my consciousness.
I chose to write at this moment because of a confluence of factors: the desire to be well immediately so I can see my boys tomorrow; hearing Led Zeppelin playing from a van parked outside the Devereux Center; the desire to chronicle this ‘homeless’ experience to offer a view of life many of us never consider and hopefully encourage and inspire some; and a moment of crystal clarity here now that this moment here in this car, at this place is the product of the consciousness I’ve been harboring for decades.
You see, hearing Led Zeppelin took me back years and years, to the time I was in high school when I first heard of them and their music. The music was very different than the r&b, soul, and rap I was used to hearing and yet I like their music. Led Zeppelin always stuck with me although I don’t voluntarily play their music now.
So when I heard their slow, winding rhythm blaring from the van it took me back 30 years, 25 years, 20 years. Then my current circumstance came into view – shelter-less, feeling alone, wandering through life, and eagerly seeking escape, and truth, in pleasures and states of altered consciousness.
Then, all at once, it hit me with great clarity that, once again, our life is an act of creation, conscious and unconscious, and we are the creators. Circumstances in life do not arise mysteriously, nor do they result solely from ‘external’ forces (the ‘white man’, the corporations, the banks, the government, the Right, the Left, Blacks, immigrants, conservatives, liberals, Western Europe, etc), but they are the products assembled in the factory of our consciousness. And the parts used for the assembly are our choices, attitudes, words, and, more than all these, our actions. And our actions are triggered by our choice. Life does not happen to us; life happens because of us.
Life does not happen to you; life happens because of you.
I could see in my own life how the thoughts, attitudes, consciousness I’ve harbored are ones I’ve also nurtured, fed, and developed. In this moment I find myself surrounded by the echoes of a damaged consciousness reflected back to me in the people I am surrounded with and the circumstances we share.
When I heard Led Zeppelin, here, now, I also heard it 30 years ago and I realized through this that part, or parts, of me have not grown…..that parts of me stopped growing, stopped advancing, stopped developing decades ago in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood;
when I thought of going inside the Devereux Center (which I loathe to do as it is always filled with very, very low vibes – drugs, dirtiness, fights – so I rarely enter) and thought of getting in first to snatch space on the only comfortable recliner so I can rest my body I thought of how that is probably the same desire/goal shared by all the others who come here for food and warmth, and that they probably don’t really have much higher aspirations than the day’s comfort (but I do aspire for more, for meaning and purpose to myself and to others by serving);
when I thought of the state of all those I now observe in similar, shelter-less circumstances and how I hear and see my shadows echoed in their words, attitudes, and actions I realized that each of us have harbored/hosted similarities in consciousness, thought, attitudes, choices and actions;
so when I thought of writing this it was with the primary goal of giving air, breath (BREATH FREE) to this chaotic, impoverished consciousness I’ve hosted for decades and bleed it out of my system by acknowledging it, exposing it through my writing, and using it productively in my continued effort to rebuild my consciousness, my life and my opportunities and that includes blessing you, encouraging you, and, maybe, hopefully, inspiring you.
And to be clear, our life is a product, manufactured, not a punishment merited. This is not about god/God/some god/any god or goddess doing anything to us. Creator set all things in motion and we have say in how they move. Life is the container of forces and laws that can bend, shift, and sway with the unseen pivot of a thought or by the push and pull of our choices and actions. We have say in what happens in our lives. Maybe not absolute control…..but maybe…..
And yet, even if we do hold the reins, we do not determine the power of the horses that drive the carriage. We can only harness and guide, while humbly realizing we also are subject to being guided and harnessed ourselves. We are never one thing without being ‘the other’. We are all things…..and this calls for great humility, even more than celebration, for only with humility can we have compassion, arrive at healing, and feel at one with all.
So in this moment I chose to share this because some of you might wonder why things happen in your life as they do. You may wonder why things happen to you as they do. You may wonder why you keep repeating certain patterns – jobs, relationships, situations, etc – You may wonder why things in our world are as ‘crazy’ or ‘messed up’ as they are.
Well, I invite you to look deeply within yourself.
Then look deeper.
Carefully, thoughtfully review your life, your choices, and where things could have begun and how and why.
Acknowledge your part in things, first and last. This is not about taking blame or total responsibility – acknowledging your part is an action in itself and ultimately it is the actions you take that create and transform your life. Acknowledging is part of being responsible, starting here and now.
Expose your lies, your fears, your shadows. Bring them to light, Open up your soul, let yourself breathe because hiding is smothering and when smothered you can’t breathe. BREATHE FREE.
Accept your self, your life, your present circumstances, your past, your experiences, your character, your personality, your enemies, your tormentors, those you despise and judge. To accept does not mean to agree, support, or endorse – it just means to accept it as it is. Accept all of it because it’s all here right now for you either as manifested circumstances in your life or seeds of possibilities in your consciousness, and only by accepting it can it even be possible to utilize, harness, and transform. ACCEPT ALL THINGS.
When I chose to write this post there was no planning it at all (in fact, none of my posts have ever been planned – every single one is streamed and typed as it’s streaming, then posted immediately without revision). When the moment of clarity came, and insight into myself and my circumstances with it, I wanted to write it, confess it, heal myself and inspire you by doing so (and myself, too). This is me. That’s who I am. That’s who I choose to be – honest, open, free. No more bullshit. No more lies. No more pretending. And when I chose to write and share this, I re-connected with the Grand Soul within me, the Eternal and Universal Self, the Universal Consciousness that holds all things together in unity. I rejoined Christ Consciousness in a conscious, deliberate way as a way, in this specific context, to take back control and transforming the negative into positive, the sickness into healing, the blessing into a curse, the adversity into opportunity. REJOIN YOUR SELF.
When I took the action of writing this post, following my choice to write it, I made a choice to show up. I did so for my good, for the good of my sons, for your good who is reading this, and for the good of all concerned (and ALL are concerned when it comes to your well-being). Showing up is the ultimate action we can take, after we’ve taken all other actions leading up to the ultimate action of showing up. When you show up you are choosing to operate with integrity. You are choosing to close the gap between thought and action so that the two become inseparably one. Then will we do greater things than have been done before. SHOW UP.
So that’s it, folks. Just some spontaneously arisen thoughts and insights to share with you which I pray will bless you and others in some way. And I wanna thank Led Zeppelin while I’m at it, too, for the part they played as a catalyst in this moment.
If you are blessed by reading Healing Voyage then share the blessing!
Share it with as many souls as you can.
Why keep it to yourself?